23/08/04 22.22pm, monday

so long nv write le.. i kinda confused and depressed wif wat i am facing.... theres nthn to hide.. so i decided to write it here.... i believe they r bound to b sm1 in ur life tat will make an impact no matter its big or small... they r special... mayb ppl will think i very "hua xing" however my ans to that is I DUNT KNOW..... i feel... im still the old EMotional Phil.... i dun wish to b like this... yeah yeah... ppl say its just that i wanted to b a not. They told me" female and male can b very gd friends too."

yeah yeah.. i know that.. wondering if some how... if my heart cant take the pressure? i m already facing a lot of problems.. in my family... studies... friends... and my very own "emotional problem". i believe i did.. improve... at least i know how to control some how.. but some how the more i nv go and achieve wat i wan... the more it came to me.. im not refering to studies of cos..

im refering to "relationship and love" i reali wish this cud b end.. i dun wan.. reali i dun wan... but god always gv me chances.... so many chances.. when i dun wan the chances, meaning the time is always not right.. y? i mean y? its not i dun wan to preserve the chances...

the chances are always ther fer me... whenever i wana grab the chance..... i always failed to win it. y? i wished to know y... pls dun play games wif me animore.. my heart cannot take this... i dun wan to go bonkers and mad over this issue animore....

there are more important things fer me to attend... i wan to concentrate... i wan to b determined to acheive better results in studies.. i wan my father to recover soon... i wan my ah ma to b illness free.. all i wished is not fer myself.. i just wan my family and grandma to be alrgt... is that very hard? i seems cant do anithing u c.... this is my family and grandma... i haf the responsible to do watever i can... yes.. ppl ask me dun think so much...

do they fully understand how i feel? yes they r rgt.... learn to b optimistic is always in my mind.. the things that happened to me everyday is always tests and obstacles... can i take it? i know sumtimes the things i said... will offended ppl or annoyed ppl... i dun mean it... im not in my words... sumtimes i blurped out words b4 i realise i had offended sm1... so i chose to make myself a Lame person...

i hope ppl know im a lame person.. so they will know i din meant it to offended them or watsoever... Life... make me in crossroads... thers r always bound to b lot of obstacles and tests... yesh... i know that... that will make me stronger... i find that... thers no1 in this world understand me.... no1... even my 11 years buddy.... i believe... i understand ppl more than ppl understand me... i dun kw... i tried to confide my problems to ani1.. cos i feel theres nthn to hide... i m opened minded to free my thoughts and feelings... y restricted myself?

thats y i chose to write my feelings out... crossroads.. of cos optimism ppl will choose to move straight.... movin straight... might caused negative setbacks or regrets.. wat if u chose to go back? everyway gt their disadvantage.. i believe im still standing at the middle of the crossroad... finding the way i long to go and free myself from all worries and troubles....

yesh, she held my hand today, shd say... playing wif my fingers.. i mean.. we r onli friends... say frankly i wanted to help her thru her troubles... to ease my stress also... making sm1 smile and happi makes me happi too.. i finalli did make her troubles free fer awhile.. having lost in touch wif her... 4 nearly 1 year.... i found her back... somehow... btw... shes my ex... thou i know she dosen mean anithing when she did those things... it some how distract me...

ppl will say... play wif fingers onli ma.. hold hands onli ma... friends cannot hold hands meh...

i know... this is y ppl say this... when they dun understand how i feel... its sumthing inside me i cant describe in words... i know.... yes i know..... mayb 2ml is the judgement day....

the coldness in my heart... is always freezing me when im alone... y i kip reflect and think? i dun wan to waste my life wifout knowing hows my life and wats my life goin on.....


Ying.... Shal....kam..... xue..... tian.... steph...... thx fer making such a big impact in my life.... u changed me to b more mature... thx.....

phil posted at 10:30 PM.